November brought the adoption of the 7th child through our care. A beautiful one year old with a fierce determination and courageous overcoming spirit. We always get reflective after a child leaves.
Psalm 73 has been my food of late. “God is good – good to good people, good to the good-hearted. But I nearly missed it, missed seeing His goodness. I was looking the other way, looking up to the people at the top… When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence. I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.”
On New Year’s Eve of last year, Richie & I prayed and asked God that Mosa would be adopted within the coming new year. We are now into November without a court order (it lapsed in September and is yet to be renewed). The department lost Mamosa’s file (we do have copies of everything…we’ve learnt a few useful things over the years!) Mosa’s Social Worker left her job, without telling us she was off (we do have another now). In essence, things look somewhat worse, than this time last year. Our child is still stateless. The only peace we have had, has been in the fact that God has spoken to us about Mamosa. But I have still reached many depths of despair if I am to be completely honest. Both Richie and I have shared the dream of adopting a child from our teenage years & the dream of adopting our daughter since we first clapped eyes on her, on the 20th of September 2013.
I have been deeply comforted by God’s presence, but I have not heard Him speak anything to me in my moments of despair. He has seemed silent. This was making me really angry on the inside, as I felt unseen. “God I need to hear you! What are you saying?!”
And then, last week, He spoke: “I see your heart and your dream. None of it is unnoticed by me. When I am silent, I am teaching you to remain silent too. Silent in the face of injustice. When accused by the Sanhedrin I remained silent….in My silence I was worshiping My Father. I am teaching you to do the same thing in the face of injustice. Complaining will only strengthen the enemy’s stronghold of injustice upon your heart. Satan loves to hear you complaining about the system… it takes your focus off what I am doing. I am teaching you to trust Me like a child. I am teaching you to be completely and utterly satisfied in Me alone…. not in the outcome you desire. The outcome will come, as I have promised you. But not before you have learnt to be content in all circumstances. Not before you have found your delight and strength to be in Me alone. This injustice will pass. And you will have learnt to be satisfied in me alone. I am enough for you. I am for you. And I love you. Do you trust me?”
” I trust you Jesus, but I don’t understand…” came my reply.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. You cannot have peace that surpasses understanding, unless you don’t understand…” came the reply of Father God.
Love is long-suffering. Why do I always want the love without the suffering? Perhaps you cannot have one without the other.
Meanwhile, Mosa is oblivious to all of this suffering… she is happy… content… teaching me to trust.
This song has been reminding me that life is not about a journey or a “destination”. Life is about the music and the dance of living in the moment. Experiencing the joy of being loved. Every day.