“You’re safe now.”

These were the words spoken by a policeman to our siblings, as he dropped them off to Mihlali back in 2014.

Then again, this week as we received one of our new mothers to Sharon’s House I heard the words:

“You’re safe here”.

I wonder if these aren’t words we all need to hear in these days?

Richie and I avail of counselling every two weeks in order to keep us doing this work. Recently, I discussed the opening of Sharon’s House with my wonderful counselling-psychologist-buddy, Maree.

We talked through emotional overwhelm together.

“I just want to know if this mother will be okay. To be honest, I want to know if I’m going to be okay….” I whittled away to Maree.

Maree’s response was immediate: “Kate, you are okay. You are okay now“.

And in that moment I realised, that we are each one of us, being loved by our Father in heaven. Right in this moment.

Now.

Right Here.

Right.

Now.

How often do I live in that space of “when I…..then I….”??

How futile it is to wait to be okay emotionally, whilst engaging in a war against domestic violence?

There will never be a right time when all the stars align, to do things such as welcome someone into your home, (or someone else’s) who is fighting the fight of their life.

This is what the body of Christ was made for.

This.

This war.

This moment.

This choosing to receive and believe that God is actively loving each one of us.

Right.

Now.

“Yokhuselo” means “safety” in Isixhosa. This amazing haven has now become one of our referral points for Sharon’s House.

It is more than okay to feel grief, overwhelm or slightly numb at times. But we hold that reality together with the reality of this obsessive hope that does not disappoint (Romans 5). How can it not disappoint?

Because the LOVE of God has been poured out within our hearts through Holy Spirit who has been given to us (verse 5).

Aaah the love of God!

One of my favourite “honesty” songs is written by Cory Asbury. He sings it beautifully with his wife, Anna.

“My child, you can love again.”

The God who sees me.

This blog is primarily in order to document the highs and lows and in-betweens, of life in Port Elizabeth. Witnessing the Lord, Fathering the fatherless. As only He can do.

As Dickens said, it has been both the “best of times and the worst of times”.

We are sure that covid, and navigating the daily longing to hug beloved family members and dear friends, has been a constant ache for you.

We have been thrilled that both my parents have come through planned surgical procedures during 2021, with success. However the longing to physically see both Richie’s parents and family and my own, has been hard. We have had tears at various moments due to our children longing to visit Grandparents & family in Ireland. Photo albums and memories of time spent together have been more meaningful than ever before. And of course, there are always phone calls 🙂

The top of Lady Slipper Mountain, on “Human Rights Day”.

Throughout the last week, we have been reflecting upon the life of Hagar from the book of Genesis. She was an Egyptian servant who worked for a woman named Sarah. Sarah was unable to conceive and so asked her husband to sleep with Hagar instead. Sarah then mistreated pregnant Hagar, to the point that she ran away to the desert.

Many times, we feel Hagar’s urge to run! But through the name “El Roi” we can see that in our absolute lowest moments, God sees our pain and hears our cries. After the Lord sends an angel to encourage Hagar, we read these words: “Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said: ‘You are the God who sees me.’ (Genesis 16:13).

“El Roi” sees Hagar but He doesn’t promise a quick fix to solve all of her problems. He sees the bigger picture, outside of the constraints of time. We are never alone because El Roi is the God who sees! It is often hard to understand why the Lord doesn’t “just fix it”, but we never have to doubt His presence with us in it.

Adoption Day with the Magistrate, forever family and Social Work team. We asked to be excused from this occasion as it would not have helped having Richie or I present – totally 100% overcome! It was time for us to step back 🙂

One of the highlights of our 2020 was seeing the above 2 siblings adopted into their forever family after 5 and a half years in our care. Our 6 year old child at the very front made us laugh with her folded arms “AT BLOOMIN’ LAST!!!” she seems to be saying.

It had been a long road for all of them. But worth it! The one thing this adoptive family did not give up on is the promise that God places the lonely in families & He is the Father to the fatherless. It is who He is. They did not let go of His promises. These siblings were the children they had always wanted. Had they not been adopted by this beautiful family, the only other long term solution for the siblings would have been a state run orphanage. (p.s their international adoption took place during covid – which could only have been the Lord!)

Forever family, with this precious baby girl on the day of her dedication to the Lord.

Another highlight for us of 2020, was receiving a phone call about the above child – who we later on discovered had an older biological sibling that was in the process of being adopted by a loving family, living right around the corner from our home! This child had been brought into a government facility by her birth mother who herself was unwell and could no longer take care of her infant. This scenario reiterated to us (once again) of the need for a pregnant mothers in crisis home in Port Elizabeth. When the family who were in the process of adopting this child’s sibling, came to our haven to meet the above child – they decided then and there, to adopt this younger sibling as well. We (& the Social Worker!) were thrilled with this outcome! We have become very accustomed to exclaiming: “Only God!” in the past year!!

Our 2 year old enjoying snack time with her new brother!

Three years ago, we had a 2 year old boy adopted from our care. You know a family are thriving, whenever they come back 3 years later all ready to “go again” (!) This time a beautiful, precious 2 year old girl joined their forever family. What blew me away about this story was that when their 5 year old son saw a photo of his new sister for the first time, he exclaimed: “she looks like me!” 🙂

Only God!

The song below was written by an adult adoptee and here he sings along with his daughter. There are so many reasons why I love this. The song affirms all of the sacrifices, love and devotion of a God who sees the “above and beyond….& then some” that other people could never ever know, or grasp. The untold fighting, journeying and walking out of the “stuff” of biological and spiritual parenting.

Today, we praise the God who knows and has seen every single one of those tiniest details. We pray He would affirm you in all of your love for Him and His kids. We pray that today you would know the forgiveness of a Father, in all those areas where you feel you have “messed up”. You are not perfect, but you are beautiful.

He sees it all.

His love qualifies you today to start over afresh.

With confidence and trust.

Failure and Obedience.

Christmas day 2019, and a birthday cake for Jesus 🙂

Reflecting upon this blog we’ve written since 2011, I wanted to take a moment to speak into failure. The subjects of failure and obedience have certainly been huge ones for us over the years.

In 2011 when we first moved to Port Elizabeth, we served as part of another place of safety called Zanethemba. It was a dream come true. It was also deeply painful, After one year in SA, we returned to Northern Ireland again, and it all felt very much like failure. We learnt during this time that God is attracted to faith and obedience, not performance. Failure did not mean we’d got it wrong! Each one of you stood with us and prayed for us and supported us during that time (THANKYOU!!!) We learnt through that season, that nothing is wasted with God. As a one-year-old learns to take their first steps, “failure” is simply showing up to both grow and learn. It is an inevitable part of the growth process that we must try to avoid getting stuck in! With our own children, we want them to know our affection – that we are so, so proud of them for even trying. So it is with our heavenly Father.

I glean much comfort from Peter the disciple on this subject of failing well. Peter often spoke impulsively. The epitome of his failure was in Peter’s denial of knowing Jesus, before His crucifixion. I draw a lot of encouragement from the fact that Jesus knew this was going to happen before it ever did. He even hinted at wanting to restore Peter whilst breaking bread in the upper room! God is not disillusioned with our failure because He knows very accurately what is going to happen, before it does. He sees our failures coming. He still chooses us even though He knows exactly how we will fail! As one who has failed many times, and needs rigorous boundaries in place as a result, I am encouraged by this.

Family & Christmas 2019 🙂

After Jesus is resurrected, the angel tells Mary: “Go and tell the disciples and Peter“… God wanted Peter to know that he still gets to be included! Peter had gone back to fish again, but on the banks of his own disappointment Jesus reinstates him. We get to look ourselves in the mirror and say: “yes. that year was particularly messy… but God, you have still called me.”

“Process failure” is a part of growing up, but “sin failure” has to have the dynamic of repentance. I have known both. With repentance and the transforming power of God, sin failure can become (in time) a platform to speak of God’s goodness, kindness and grace. I have had to take responsibility for my own propensity toward sin by turning the opposite direction & putting rigorous boundaries in place. Should a history of sin failure hold us back from our calling and what God has spoken over us? No. God wants to infuse our sin failure with the kindness of His grace, so that even those stories become testimonies of how good He is!

In the Geneology of Matthew Chapter 1 verse 6, God purposefully highlights Bathsheeba as “Urriah’s wife” pinpointing the adultery of David, and highlighting the forgiveness and grace of God. Therefore we too, can repent, choose to believe what God has said about us, clean up our mess by the grace of God and walk shame free! God can still use our testimonies as a platform of overcoming by the redemptive, healing and forgiving blood of Jesus, (and the scandalous GRACE of God!)

In Acts 13 David is referred to as one who “served the purposes of God”. He is not mentioned as an adulterer, murderer or destroyer of families. He was one who fully lived out the purposes of God in his generation. May this truth inspire us to see that God does not cease to be friends with us, whenever we royally mess up. Today, after 3 months in our care, our youngest child was placed into his forever family. Forever changed, forever ransomed and rescued, forever loved by our healing Father God in heaven!

Our baby boy with his new forever Mom 🙂

After what has been a 2 year healing and restoration process for me, I am amazed & humbled that God still entrusts these beautiful children into our care. I also know more than I ever did before, that this is our calling. We won’t give up. I would not want to miss out on seeing the Lord Fathering the fatherless, for anything else in the world. Thankyou for standing alongside us and enabling this to happen.

The Suddenly of God.

and then…. all of a sudden on a normal Thursday afternoon on the 28th of June (2018), whilst sitting in the office, Rich got a phone call from Ms. Bloem at Home Affairs. “Mr. Cathcart? Mamosa’s new birth certificate is ready for collection.” I stayed with the kids whilst Rich got in the car and drove to Home Affairs immediately. We got the document home… checked that the 11th number on her ID was indeed a “0” indicating that she finally had SA citizenship… and then laminated the blessed thing & locked it in the filing cabinet. Not before taking a celebratory photograph however 🙂 This now meant we could attempt to get our daughter home to Ireland to meet her extended family! 🙂

After much frustration, requests to purchase flights before we had actual permission from the Department of Social Development to fly & intervention on our behalf by our adoption team, we were finally given permission to take Mosa home to Ireland for 6 weeks. To say that arriving into Dublin airport together with our 3 children was a dream come true – is the understatement of the century!!! For the next 6 weeks….we were literally living in the miraculous! Thankyou Father God! And thankyou to our amazing families & friends for standing with us!

This song was in my head the whole time we were at home for Christmas:

in Port Elizabeth airport… awaiting to board!

as the airplane left the ground, Mosa began to clap & shout “we’re flying Mummy!!! We’re flying Daddy!!!” 🙂

in Joburg airport – the Christmas tree reminds us of the miraculous nature of this trip! 🙂 we could not have planned this any better than God did!

Dublin 🙂 The playpark beside Granny & Grampa’s house is a place I had imagined Mosa visiting with our boys many times…

Toy stores and a giant lego batgirl 🙂 Our children begin to get excited about Christmas & Jesus’ birthday 🙂

…gingerbread houses with Granny & Grampa 🙂

My sister treated us to an indoor sky dive experience – truly we shall not forget this one!

Richie’s sister treated us to an ice hockey match in Belfast – so much atmosphere and FUN! 🙂

Seapark and quality time with family 🙂

So the above photos are 10 of literally hundreds of photos that were taken during our 6 weeks on the emerald isle. We enjoyed every second of connecting with family and friends. I loved seeing how the 5 of us were welcomed so warmly by so so many people! Friends of family members we had never even met before, were giving us advice on where the best places were to take Mosa to get her hair done. Family members & friends who had never met her before were instantly enthralled.

For Joseph and Reuben this was literally a dream come true as Joseph had been having dreams (before we were given permission to fly), that we were on our way to the airport to catch a flight heading to Ireland. Travel Agents had informed us that the latest we could cancel our flights without losing the airfare, was 48hrs before our departure time. Our parents had clubbed together to provide what we needed for these flights! We only got the permission to travel 2 hours before this deadline & so our hearts were in our mouths right up until the weekend before we were due to travel! But God did it & we are so so grateful to our parents and families for standing with us throughout that rocky period.

God is a God of miracles. I feel looking back that I mistook His patience for indifference. He was busy the whole time behind the scenes turning the wheels of providence, whilst we were busy trying to stay focused on Him and getting other kids in our care the forever families they deserved.

I read the book of Jonah recently & confess that I used to read it thinking “silly Jonah!” Now, I resonate so much with Jonah’s weakness. It was only once he had completely turned away from God’s plan for his life that the Lord intervened in Jonah’s, and rescued him.

I love his following prayer, in Jonah Chapter 2:

In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, & you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas & the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.’ The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit. “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, & my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”

And so with the above prayer in mind, we got news from the children’s court on the 20th of June that our beloved 10 year old who has been in our care for 4 and a half years has finally been given permission to be fostered with a long term view to adopt, by our friend from church. See below how wide the smile is on this boy’s face!!! He has known and loved his foster Mama for years as she has volunteered in our children’s haven, but now he is fully “hers” & to me, after many many years of OT, play therapy, homeschooling and challenges, seeing this boy now finally get the family he has always wanted… is a dream come true.

Only God could have done this, as in our failed attempts to see this beautiful boy adopted by other families, the whole time He was preparing our friend’s heart and getting her ready to receive this precious child into her care. Now, we can see our beautiful boy every Sunday at Church – a rarity for us as most children who leave our care also leave Port Elizabeth and we don’t often see them again. Now, we get to see our beloved treasure boy grow up and develop into adulthood! God truly meant what He said when He called Himself the Father to the fatherless. He is patient and kind and has only the best plans ahead for our children – even when we cannot see what they are.

It took 5 years and 3 months for us to get our beloved daughter home to Ireland to meet her extended family. My heart used to be beyond broken over this particular subject. Due to some further governmental challenges she is still not legally adopted by us, however, whilst on the plane watching her clap her hands and exclaim “we’re flying!” I heard the Lord whisper tenderly to me, as only He can. “Do you see how excited she is?” The Lord asked me. “If you had gotten her home for your sister’s wedding aged 2, she would never have remembered her first time in Ireland. You wanted her home on many occasions before now, but I am teaching her – and you – that my love is her home. Now she will always remember her first time meeting her extended family, her first time on a plane, her first time in your homeland.”

And I was speechless…..yet again – His kindness leading me to repentance. Father God is so tender with us, that all we can do is apologize that we allowed our hearts to break in the first place. The answer is to simply trust Him. He always knows what’s best.

 

our 10 year old on the day he was fostered by his Mama. His smile could not possibly have gotten any bigger 🙂

 

The Gospel.

It’s been a year of blog silence… and what a year. Commonly known as the dark night of the soul. We have pushed hard for 7 children to get adopted within the last year (including our daughter). A helpful image the Lord gave me was of a woman in childbirth. Every time a contraction comes it’s time for Mum to push. Then, it’s time to rest. Without this rhythm over the past year we would have become exhausted with fighting and frustration over the future of our children. But the Lord has been faithful in showing us when it’s time to push, and when it is time to wait patiently. November 2017 brings with it the joy of seeing the youngest of those 7 children meet his adoptive Mummy and Daddy. How we have dreamt of that day!!!! He will be such a beautiful gift to his new family.

Our precious boy about to be adopted into his forever family after living in our care for 18 months.

It’s easy for people to look at how we live and think “wow!” but few know the darkness that exists around pursuit of these beautiful children. The darkness of being faced with my own sinfulness, despair and desire to control. The darkness of knowing there is a high judge out there somewhere whom we’ve never met who after 4 years needs more evidence before he will grant our daughter her human right to a nationality. I have been encouraged by psalm 23 “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.” We are walking through the darkness….not pitching a tent in order to camp out.

God has felt silent but His presence very deep and very real. Recently my husband and I read through our “marriage scriptures” together. Proverbs 3 verses 5&6 said: “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” As I read verse 5 hot tears of pain started to fall. “Lean not on my own understanding God?!?!?” I cried out to Him in anger…”I will never understand!!! Not once in this lifetime will I ever understand why it costs R50,000 in this country to adopt a white child and R15,000 to adopt a black one…..I will never understand how a legal system can deny a child their human rights for 4 years and get away with it…..I will never understand why biological parents who exploit and abuse are given more legal rights than their children…I will never understand why you spoke to us again and again about our daughter, and now it feels like we’re abandoned to a broken system when family is all we ever wanted!” I ranted like this before the Lord for a while…I felt His presence bring healing to my heart as I was completely honest before Him. He was unoffended by my honesty. Then He showed me His face. He said “you have the same eye colour as me”. I broke.

Family time.

Whilst we were waiting to bring Mosa into our family from Joburg, people we barely knew would ask me “is she a black baby?” I would always answer the same: “she has the same eye colour as me”.

When Jesus spoke those words to my heart I was filled with His love for me once again. He affiliates with our darkness and our pain. He understands the pain of not understanding the “why?” of what we are in. He doesn’t explain why. But He does fill us with His presence. He took the pain off all of us when He died on the cross. When Jesus spoke those words to my heart: “you have the same eye colour as me” I felt His deep love. He saved me once again. From my sin. From my darkness. From all of my resentment and unforgiveness. From the pain. The gospel of Jesus rescues me time and time again. We are saved from our own sin by a love that hung on a cross and died for this broken world. For us. He took it all and when He did, He said my favourite 3 words in the whole Bible: “it is finished”. And by His wounds we are totally healed.

more family time 🙂

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Maybe trust is all He ever wanted from me. “I trust you…” I said through my tears. “I have a plan”. He replied to my heart. “I know”….I said, now smiling. “I trust you enough not to need to understand it”.

He’s already rescued the world. And He doesn’t need to do it twice. He has a plan. 🙂

 

love.

Image

November brought the adoption of the 7th child through our care. A beautiful one year old with a fierce determination and courageous overcoming spirit. We always get reflective after a child leaves.

baby-z-eyes

Our newly adopted boy on the day we first met. 6 hours old.

Psalm 73 has been my food of late. “God is good – good to good people, good to the good-hearted. But I nearly missed it, missed seeing His goodness. I was looking the other way, looking up to the people at the top… When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence. I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.”

On New Year’s Eve of last year, Richie & I prayed and asked God that Mosa would be adopted within the coming new year. We are now into November without a court order (it lapsed in September and is yet to be renewed). The department lost Mamosa’s file (we do have copies of everything…we’ve learnt a few useful things over the years!) Mosa’s Social Worker left her job, without telling us she was off (we do have another now). In essence, things look somewhat worse, than this time last year. Our child is still stateless. The only peace we have had, has been in the fact that God has spoken to us about Mamosa. But I have still reached many depths of despair if I am to be completely honest. Both Richie and I have shared the dream of adopting a child from our teenage years & the dream of adopting our daughter since we first clapped eyes on her, on the 20th of September 2013.

I have been deeply comforted by God’s presence, but I have not heard Him speak anything to me in my moments of despair. He has seemed silent. This was making me really angry on the inside, as I felt unseen. “God I need to hear you! What are you saying?!”

And then, last week, He spoke: “I see your heart and your dream. None of it is unnoticed by me. When I am silent, I am teaching you to remain silent too. Silent in the face of injustice. When accused by the Sanhedrin I remained silent….in My silence I was worshiping My Father. I am teaching you to do the same thing in the face of injustice. Complaining will only strengthen the enemy’s stronghold of injustice upon your heart. Satan loves to hear you complaining about the system… it takes your focus off what I am doing. I am teaching you to trust Me like a child. I am teaching you to be completely and utterly satisfied in Me alone…. not in the outcome you desire. The outcome will come, as I have promised you. But not before you have learnt to be content in all circumstances. Not before you have found your delight and strength to be in Me alone. This injustice will pass. And you will have learnt to be satisfied in me alone. I am enough for you. I am for you. And I love you. Do you trust me?”

” I trust you Jesus, but I don’t understand…” came my reply.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. You cannot have peace that surpasses understanding, unless you don’t understand…” came the reply of Father God.

dsc_9107

Family 🙂

Love is long-suffering. Why do I always want the love without the suffering? Perhaps you cannot have one without the other.

Meanwhile, Mosa is oblivious to all of this suffering… she is happy… content… teaching me to trust.

This song has been reminding me that life is not about a journey or a “destination”. Life is about the music and the dance of living in the moment. Experiencing the joy of being loved. Every day.

 

Adoption.

This piece of art hangs on our kitchen wall. I did not know when Yvonne Fredheim gifted it to us in August 2013 that we would one day work together. It is a drawing based on Psalm 56 verse 8: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book”. The bottle in the picture is not symmetrical because people are not perfect. Each tear inside the bottle is different. It represents different times of sorrow.

There have been many tears cried into my pillow late at night in these last few months. Before our 4 year old was adopted, we received emails from someone whose job position at the end of the email read: “Adoptability Manager”. I don’t know if we can help you with a child like this…read the words. I didn’t need to ask what they meant. A child with a history of trauma who is 4. A child like this doesn’t often get adopted. But if only they could meet him. If only they could see how beautiful he is. How his eyes light up when he laughs. If only.

After 14 months a beautiful Christian family did adopt our boy, and he attached immediately to them. But how many are deemed unadoptable? This is the question that has been keeping me awake at night. One night the Lord spoke directly into my heart: “You have made adoption an idol. I have already adopted these children at the cross, when I laid down my life for them and rose from the grave. I do not need to do it twice. The world’s view of adoption is not mine. Your hope is in me, not in an outcome…I am the hope of the nations & I will not disappoint. Do not let your hope be in the world’s legal outcome of adoption. My name is above the name of these governmental and legal systems.”

20160515_204412I repented until my heart felt free again. I looked at the world map on our dining room wall. In the Spirit I saw the Lord’s hands holding this map I saw before me. “Take heart. I have overcome the world. These children are all mine, just as you are mine. I have all of eternity to bring justice where there has been injustice.” The clock above the world map spoke to me of Galatians 6 verse 9 “Let us not become weary in doing good. For at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Our foster daughter has lived with us for 2 years now and we are still in a legal battle to have her adopted. Meanwhile she has no citizenship whatsoever. But it was done on the cross, and the Lord will bring about a harvest at the proper time. We just need to not quit. And meanwhile we shall say yes to as many other children as possible. In the knowledge that Father God adopts us all, without exception.

20160515_213554Upon meeting Jesus, I always knew that adoption would be part of the plan. He adopted me, introduced me to His kids and from then on I was hooked. As my identity often gets skewed into “what I do”, rather than in just being a daughter with a really big heavenly Dad, I recently asked Jesus why He showed me a picture of these kids on the same day I met Him. He responded: “You thought I introduced you to the children, so that together we could get them rescued. I introduced you to my kids, so that I could heal you through them. I want your heart to be childlike. Just like theirs.”

Faithful Father 🙂

Love is patient.

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words on one of our haven bedrooms.

I used to think that patience was a characteristic held only by those who had nothing else to do. When Paul spoke to the church in Corinth about love being patient, I would swiftly move on to the rest of the list. Love is patient (“well yes, God is merciful and wants all His children to know Him…but I’m not God”). Love is kind (“yes, I can see the point of me being kind. Please make me kind Lord”). As I would read through the rest of the descriptions of love, they all made sense to me. Except patience. At best I thought it sounded passive.

After all, there’s a lot that needs doing in the world, right? We are the body of Christ and so until we move, Christ as the head cannot have His way on the earth. We have been given the authority of Christ to bring the Kingdom and to see heaven come to earth. Why be patient, when there’s so much needing done? I was not aware that this was how I used to think, until we received Nkosi into our family and hearts.

Nkosi arrived into our world, in March of 2014. The 4th child to come home to us. On the first day we met in hospital I knew that he would change our lives forever. Aware of his severely malnourished and cerebral palsied state we knew that his life would be full of challenge. But we felt absolutely no fear. This is one of the many ways God taught us to trust Him. The absence of fear is the presence of the full, deep and pure love from God for ourselves and for others. In this case it was for Nkosi.

We were full of faith for this frail little boy. Of course we believed he would walk! Of course we believed he would live a full life! The doctors told us Nkosi would not live to reach teenage years, but of course we knew our miracle-working God would prove them wrong! On the day Nkosi arrived home to us I had a vision of him standing in heavenly places with Jesus. He looked like Mandela in his youth. A strong, smiling, confident, authoritative leader. I felt that this was Nkosi’s spirit man and that no matter how hard things got, we should always remember that in his spirit Nkosi was happy we’d brought him home that day.

Nkosi. Joy-filled, worshipping, miracle boy.

Nkosi. Our joy-filled, worshipping, miracle boy.

Nkosi lived for 19 months in our home with us. There were many challenges and we watched him overcome many of them. It was always two steps forward one step back. Like a dance. Nkosi taught us patience and endurance. After he received life saving surgery in August 2014 his health improved dramatically, and we felt we would have many years ahead with our beautiful boy. When he developed severe abdominal pain we discovered Nkosi had a bowel obstruction. It was agreed that an exploratory surgery would be carried out first thing next morning. My daughter & I said  goodbye to Nkosi the night before his surgery, confident that he would overcome yet another obstacle. Nkosi went to be with his Jesus at 2a.m the night before this ever took place.

Nkosi taught me the power of forgiveness as I felt God gently comfort me at his funeral. I said “but God…do you not remember the times I cried out to you? Frustrated in the small hours of the morning….tired, disheartened and overwhelmed?” The Lord replied “as far as the east is from the west, that’s how far I have removed your sin from you…..no…. I don’t remember it. You are made of dust. I know you in your weaknesses, just as I knew Nkosi in his. You are forgiven.” I had no idea God could forgive me for my moments of resentment and frustration with this little boy, whom we loved very much. I struggled to forgive myself for despairing at times. But Nkosi taught us to receive love from God, as we needed Him like never before. “I can’t do this!” was often my complaint before the Lord. “I know you can’t” came the reply. “That’s why you need me”.

For this reason, Nkosi’s life although full of challenge, led us to Jesus on a daily basis. People wherever we went were drawn to him. They gave their lives to Jesus, one after another including Nkosi’s Mum and brother when they saw the joy that he carried. More still on our repeated hospital visits were healed and saved.

When they rang to inform me that he had gone to heaven, we went to the paediatric ward and then to the mortuary to say goodbye to Nkosi. They know me at the mortuary because I have prayed for the dead a few times (with full permission!) in the last few months. They now saw me visiting for another reason. Each time I had prayed for the dead in the mortuary before (obeying the scripture when Jesus commanded us to: “heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers & cast out demons” – Matthew 10), I had always sensed fear in that room. But the day I saw Nkosi there, I had no fear in me whatsoever. I felt nothing but love from God for Nkosi. God broke a fear of death in me & in Nkosi’s Mum that day, as we wept, kissed him and held him. He looked just like he was sleeping.

I asked the Lord to bring him back to life, so that I could say goodbye.“We’re having too much fun” God replied to my heart. I knew in that moment that Nkosi’s life had been taken by the Lord. God wanted to bring him home because of His mercy, to Nkosi and to us. I got reminded of Enoch in Genesis 5. “Enoch walked faithfully with God, then he was no more, because God took him away”. Nkosi was a worshipper, and in our many car trips up and down to hospital we would worship in the car together. Now whenever we worship on the earth I know that we are joining with Nkosi. We will see him perfect in his new body again. I know I shall recognise him & I look forward to that day.

Nkosi Funeral

At Nkosi’s funeral we worshipped and danced around his coffin… death where is your sting?

But for now, God has chosen to put me on a journey where I am learning to trust and to be actively patient. With each child there are challenges. Relentless patience says: “I trust you” to God. It is the one gift we can give Him here on this earth that we will never be able to give Him in heaven. There we will see Him face to face, and there we shall have no need to trust any more, for we shall see Him in His fullness. Nkosi has taught me patience, child-like trust and dependency upon God that I could not otherwise have learnt. It is the Lord who gives, the Lord who takes, and the Lord who resurrects again from death into fullness of LIFE. Amen.